| Braggle briffle. |
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| 10:07pm 03/11/2009 |
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mood: contemplative music: Thrice - Come All You Weary
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I'm extremely bored. Isn't that the impetus for about 95% of journal entries nowadays, though?
My computer pretty much exploded internally on me about two weeks ago, and I recently got it fixed. The ApplePeeple saved all of my important things, like my music, art, photos, movies, etc... but I have NO applications. This means I have no means to produce music or video like I used to...
I've basically been spending all of my free time in front of my PS3 replaying Fallout 3.
Now that I've worn myself out with that, I have come down to the level of internet surveyorey, thanks in part to CJ. So here you have it, a way-too-fucking-long-and-repetitive-overdone survey:
STEP ONE:
Spell your name with some of your favorite songs.
C - Come All You Weary - Thrice
R - Robot Rock - Daft Punk
A - Agaetis Byrjun - Sigur Ros
I - Island in the Sun - Weezer
G - The General - Dispatch
STEP TWO:
– Name: → Craig Earl DelBonis
– Birth date: → June 16
– Nickname: → This dude's been calling me Mac-Man lately, I don't hate it.
– Eye Color: → Brown
– Hair Color: → Also brown. I'M SO UNIQUE.
– Zodiac Sign: → Gemini, which was also my favorite American Gladiator.
STEP THREE:
– The shoes you wore today: → Black Reeboks for work, held together with superglue.
– Your weakness(es): → Music... I find that lately that I can be swayed emotionally in a huge way by songs. Also, random acts of cute.
– Your fear(s): → Making a living doing something I'm not passionate about.
– Your perfect pizza: → Hawaiian with bacon, stuffed crust, and with a side of R
– Goal you’d like to achieve: → "Making it" music-wise.
STEP FOUR:
– Your best physical feature? → I guess it's my hands? Or my eyes. Maybe it's a tie.
– Your bedtime? → Whenever... I try not to go later than 2.
– Most missed memory? → Camping in CT with Paul. Or just... camping in general, really.
STEP FIVE:
This Or That…
– Pepsi or Coke? → Bleh.
– McDonald’s or Burger King: → Wendy's.
– Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: → Either. Iced tea is ballin.
– Chocolate or Vanilla: → Vanilla.
– Cappuccino or coffee: → Ew, fuck.
STEP SIX:
Do You…
– Curse: → I think curse words are fucking great. They convey emotion like none other.
– Sing: → In the car, on stage, and while recording, but otherwise I'm still pretty shy about it.
– Dance: → I has rhythms.
– Take a shower everyday: → Eh. Used to, now it's kinda every other day... I keep forgetting. Wow that sounds bad.
– Have a crush: → I have a PRESS.
– Do you think you’ve been in love?: → Yuh. Yuh huh.
– Want to go to college: → I dream about it enough. I think I'm just scared of not having a fallback.
– Like(d) high school: → Socially, yes. Everythingelselly, no.
– Want to get married: → Sure, just not yet.
– Get motion sickness: → Spinning sucks.
– Think you’re attractive: → We all have our hookups.
– Think you’re a health freak: → Not in the least. I try when I can, though.
– Get along with your parents: → They is gr8.
STEP SEVEN:
In the past month…
– Gone to the mall: → Prov Place for movies, foodies, and browsies.
– Eaten an entire box of Oreos: →
– Eaten Sushi: → No.
– Been on stage: → Yes.
– Gone skating: → No.
– Made homemade cookies: → No.
– Gone skinny dipping: → No.
– Stolen anything: → I acquire things over time.... does that count?
STEP EIGHT:
Ever…
– Played a game that required removal of clothing: → No.
– If so, was it mixed company: → -
- Flashed anyone: → That kinda doesn't work for guys.
– Been beaten up: → Once, but it didn't really hurt. I just kinda walked away confused.
– Shoplifted: → No. The closest I ever came was in my pog-hoarding days. What a retard.
STEP NINE:
– Age you hope to be married: → 27-30
– Numbers of Children: → Don't really know. Kinda something I expect one would have to feel out as they go.
– Describe your Dream Wedding: → Somewhere naturally breathtaking. Very small, very informal, very non-religious.
STEP TEN:
In a boyfriend/girlfriend...
– Best eye color?: → Something not brown. I'm plain enough.
– Best hair color?: → Doesn't matter, as long as it works.
– Short hair or long hair?: → Same.
– Height: → Shorter please. Like, borderline dwarf short. I dunno why but it does lots.
STEP ELEVEN:
– Number of people I could trust with my life: → Aside from close family, 3.
– Number of CDs that I own: → Like three dozen maybe... I prefer digital.
– Number of tattoos: → Three. Bodysuit please.
– Number of piercings: → None. Maybe in the future.
Personal
Who were you with yesterday? → My roommates, mainly my PS3. Woo-wee....
What woke you up this morning? → My fucking alarm clock. I hate 7AM and all 59 of it's kin.
Where are you? → Lots of places. Some abstract, some obvious.
Is tomorrow going to be a good day? → Eh.... doubt it. I'm in a slump.
Do you like anybody? → No I'm a big fat jerk. Get lost honkies.
THE PAST
Ever thrown up in public? → Not that I remember, but probably yes.
Passed out because of alcohol? → No, I'm a PRO.
What’s on your mind RIGHT NOW? → Music. Must. Make.
THE FUTURE
What kind of home would you like? → Only big enough for what I need. Personal music studio, practice space, big ol' bar and gameroom. Sweet pool, something looking at a beach, or mountains, or Jesus.
What do you want to be when you grow up? → It's cliche, but famous. Maybe not like OMFG famous, but remembered.
Where do you see yourself in 5 years? → All over the world hopefully, playing shows. Even just the country would be great. Anywhere that's any number of steps up musically from where I am now. I wouldn't mind getting into film either.
IN GENERAL
Do you like candy necklaces? → Great way to look gay!
When was the last time you fell over or ran into something? → Your mom. Last night. Repeatedly.
Do you still go trick or treating? → No. :(
What was the last thing you ate? → Potroast.
Whats your favorite type of soda? → If I had to pick. Root Beer.
Have you ever moved? → Yeah. Like wow. I'm a fucking tumbleweed.
Have you ever won an award? → I got a bunch of art awards in grade school. My Lips thing is probably the biggest achievement so far, though not technically an award.
Are you listening to music right now? → Thrice, The Alchemy Index - Water. Fucking brilliance.
How long ’till your birthday? → Two and a half seasons.
When were you the saddest in your whole life? → Wow what a shitty question. Fuck that noise.
What time is it? 10:56
Do you use ebay to buy or sell? → I've attempted it, but no success.
Have you ever heard a song written about you? → No, it's usually the other way around.
Something you want to happen in 2010? → Road trip. New life.
Summer 2010? → Play shows like a motherfucker. Also have some prospective record deals.
Honestly, do you miss 2008? → I really don't lump my past into years. I remember my life in a much less constructed way.
HONESTY SECTION
1. Honestly, what color is your underwear? → Black
2. Honestly, whats on your mind? → I just want to try out my new toy...........
3. Honestly, what are you doing right now? → Honestly, I'm writing answers into a fucking survey.
4. Honestly, have you done something bad today? → I farted way too much.
5. Honestly, who is the last person you talked to on the phone? → Pete? Matt? Jesus? I don't remember.
6. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now? → Honestly, everyone who writes shitty music and has it on the radio. Fuck them. I hate them.
7. Honestly, what makes you mad most of the time? → Writer's block.
8. Honestly, do you bite your nails? → I wish I fucking could. My teeth are getting retarded, I can no longer bite them.
9. Honestly, have you had an eating disorder? → Yes, I eat whatever I can get.
10. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very moment? → I miss a few of my friends... Some I could see, some I can't.
11. Honestly, are you keeping a big secret now? → Honestly, probably.
12. Honestly, do you have a friend you don’t actually like? → Honestly, FUCK THAT GUY.
13. Honestly, what was the last text message you received? → Something from Dave about a show we're playing next week.
14. Honestly, are you in denial? → Honestly, I have the biggest dick in the world. Honestly.
15. Honestly, do you get up in the middle of the night? → Only when the need to urinate is INSURMOUNTABLE.
16. Honestly, do you like anyone? → People are grand.
17. Honestly, does anyone like you? → I am grand.
RAGE SECTION
1. What do you do when you’re mad? → I kinda like to break things. :)
2. What’s the worst thing you’ve done when you were mad? → Probably something I would not care to share.
3. Ever made anyone cry when you were mad? → No, when I get mad, everyone loves me. I shit rainbows.
4. Do you swear when you’re mad? → I swear rainbows.
CRYING SECTION
1. When was the last time you actually cried? → Sang along to Staralfur yesterday in my car. Fucking hits me every time.
2. Ever cried yourself to sleep? → I personally find that impossible.
3. Do certain songs make you cry? → Absolutely.
4. What usually makes you cry? → Feeling stuck and unproductive.
HAPPY SECTION
1. Are you usually a happy person? → Happier than most I know.
2. What makes you the happiest? → Jesus.
3. What song makes you always happy? → Pretty much any song by Sigur Ros will make all shit in life beautiful.
4. Do you believe in yourself? → I have talent, but I lack motivation at times.
5. When people say they think you are good looking/pretty, do you get happy? → No, I cry and barf until I feel pretty on the inside.
And theeennnn...
[01] Do you ever wonder what your ex is up to?
Which? Even still, not really.
[02] Have you ever been given roses?
Maybe? My memory is poo.
[03] What is your all-time favorite romance movie?
The Fountain is pretty incredible. I also love What Dreams May Come, and it's message about soul mates, not so much Jesus.
[04] How many times have you honestly fallen in love?
One, maybe two.
[05] Do you believe that everyone has a soul-mate?
I believe that people can become soul mates just by keeping close and learning about each other.
[06] What's your current problem, relationship-wise?
YES I BELIEVE I WILL JUST DECLARE MY RELATIONSHIP WOES TO THE INTERNETS.
[07] Have you ever had your heart broken?
Ha... I'm sure I thought I did when I was a stupid post-fetus pre-man.
[08] Had a long distance relationship?
Yeah. Not fun.
[10] Do you believe the statement, once a cheater always a cheater?
Everything is circumstantial.
[11] How many kids do you want to have?
As many as Jesus wants.
[12] What's your favorite color(s)?
BROWN. OH I JUST LOVE BROWN. But really, purple. Plum, rather.
[13] Are you currently single?
I am not schizophrenic.
[14] Do you believe in love at first sight?
No.
[15] Would you kiss your ex(es)?
No.
[16] At what age did you start noticing the preferred gender(s)?
Fucking late. Like.... 6th grade. Still didn't even really care, either. Not until 9th grade maybe.
[17] Are you happy with your love situation?
Absorootree.
[18] Do you know someone who likes you?
I KNOW EVERYONE WHO LIKES ME.
[19] Do you like anyone?
I LIKE THINGS.
[20] Do they know you like them?
THINGS KNOW THINGS.
[21] If you're in a relationship, do you know your bf/gf's ex's?
Sure, why not.
[22] If you're not in a relationship, do you want to be?
Poop sandwich!
[23] How old were you when you had your first real relationship?
Seventeen?
[24] Do you still talk to your first bf/gf?
No. Sheeza weirdy.
[25] How many relationships have you been in?
I don't know. Some were weird. Six?
[26] What base have you gotten to with the opposite sex?
SEVENTH. I just created a great game: Picture what you think seventh base would be.
[27] With the same sex?
Honestly, I don't know how to answer that hahahaha.....
[28] Do you regret dating anyone you've dated?
YES PREEZ.
[29] Would you ever date someone of your own gender?
It would take a pretty fucking hot guy who didn't expect me to do anything to his penis.
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| 10:16am 26/07/2009 |
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Every now and then, I find myself in a pretty low spot. Right now it's pretty bad...
It's 10:00AM, and there's some random person I've never met passed out drunk in the living room, which is a total mess.. as it is over half the time. I walk out to go to the bathroom, and the whole house reeks of fresh garbage, a smell that wasn't there last night. Ender's new WiiFit game box is inexplicably in the trash, covered in what looks like cigar remnants. There are beer bottles on the floor, half eaten bowls of food on counter and tabletops, and toilet paper wads scattered about.
Today is not going very well so far.
I figured I would use this time that I have decided to spend holing myself up in my room to write a bit. There have been an awful lot of things on my mind.... for an awful long time. They're things that are hard to talk about. Things that deal with very sensitive subjects, and have to be approached and dealt with delicately, because I really don't want to give the wrong impression on any aspect of how I feel to anybody involved. Up until this point, it's stayed with me, in my head, and in my chest, like a literal weight. A physical burden that constantly reminds me it's there when I least expect it.
As everyone knows... Ender and I have been together for almost a year now. Very happily I may add. Everything is great between us. Better than great, actually. I could not ask for a better person to compliment myself and to enjoy my life with.
But, every so often, I get the feeling that I've ruined everything for her.
Since we've met, many things have changed... people have changed... relationships. Some of them good, some not so good. I've been introduced to some great people through Ender. People who I came to know and care about as friends. But these friends and relationships I feel have been put under alot of strain in the past few months. I feel a great sagging in my chest when I think about it... I feel it was because of me that this happened. Not necessarily by myself, but because of my presence. By my involvement, a chain of events happened. This chain of events led to something which I can't really explain in any way else than....
I feel that in finding me, she had to sacrifice her friends.
The thought has brought me to tears on more than one occasion. This is something that I can't avoid thinking about. It comes up every single day. But I can't for the life of me think of a way to discuss it. Mostly because of how sensitive an issue it is... for everyone. But it can't stay in the dark. It will never resolve that way.
Maybe I'm fucking crazy. I have no idea. Maybe I just want to blame myself for everything negative in her life. Maybe there aren't any hard feeling between anybody, and I'm just paranoid that I'm losing some people whom I have a great deal of respect for.
At any rate, I'm either right or wrong in feeling this way....
I just hope I'm wrong. |
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